I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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