There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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