so that wasnt chicken after all
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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