I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
