Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you win again, gameday.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Boobs speak an international language.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
