Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize