Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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