If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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