He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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