I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You made out with two different species that night
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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