I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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