My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
