We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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