i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
