I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
