I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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