I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
