I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize