that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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