"it" just moved
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
