like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
