weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
