i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
