yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
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