I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
