Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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