DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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