I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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