Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
