My nipple is on Facebook.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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