this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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