I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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