YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
