too bad you live with your parents still
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
