I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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