our cab driver is having phone sex.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
