The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
