He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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