i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
