why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize