i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
