im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
