saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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