you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Dicks are not precious.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
