dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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