then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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