nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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