I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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