i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
