I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
