New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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