I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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