Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i permit you to call me
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You smell like stripper and shame
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
