Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
