im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
