just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
