I have demons in me.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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