____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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