I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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