Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
