Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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