i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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