i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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