there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
